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Nuts for Saginaw

Polly Pitchford - Sunday, March 23, 2014

I am an avid believer in the healthy habit of travelling with a baggie full of nuts in your purse just in case you get hungry while on the road.To highlight just how important I think this information is, I’d like to share a little story I like to call “Nuts for Saginaw”.

Last year about this time I was going to talk to a group of 300 women in Saginaw, MI.  I had the brilliant idea that instead of just talking about the benefits and deliciousness of nuts and seeds, what better than to give each one of the audience members their own Snack Attack Pack, I call it.  Who am I, Oprah?  Dumb idea.

I wish you had been there.! Three full days before I left, Wheatball Man and I cooked, packaged and labeled 300 of these bad boys

Packed, organized and ready to go.  And then the trouble began.

In retrospect I blame it all on the liquid eyeliner. And now we are de-racooning…and now I look like Tammy Faye Baker.  Yeah, it put me a little late on the road to the airport.  Okay, a lot late.

I’m almost there when - SCREECH.  Morning rush traffic jam.

“We’re okay. It’s okay. We’re okay.”

I’m inching along, and I keep breathing, breathing deep cleansing breaths.  

Finally I make it to Long Term Parking.  Forever renamed “Long-Way-to-Go Parking”. 

I quickly lug the heavy suitcase of nuts out of the. 

Ok, now wheeere is that monorail? 

Have you ever had a dream where you HAVE to get someplace important, you’re late, …and you can’t find your pants?  You spend hours looking for your bleepin’ pants??  That’s what it felt like looking for the monorail in that massive lot! 

Up one floor, Down two floors.  Not here. Run around to the other side. Finally, I find it.  I jump on -  and we’re riding stop, by stop by stop to the terminal.

Okay. I’m Cutting it REALLY close now. 

And we’re walking…we’re walking to the counter to check a bag of nuts.  A 40 pound suitcase full of nuts.  Dumb idea!  “ I’m sorry, it’s too late to check luggage.”  “WHAT??”  Clearly I have chosen an annoying voice for her that I don’t like.  I’m sure she didn’t actually sound like that.

“Take it to the gate and they might check it in there”

And we’re running… we’re running…at roller-luggage top speed, only to suddenly find myself on the slowest moving escalator EVER MADE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!!,  cluttered with a line of people in front of me. 

Finally I make it to the top, run bounding up to the Gate. Boarding pass, check, ID, check. Bag of nuts…

“I’m sorry, we can’t allow that bag. It’s too big.  WHAT!!! 

And we’re sprinting…we’re sprinting…tread flying off my wheels, back to the escalator, which is slower than the first one …and longer too.  WAIT! It’s taking me down 1 floor too many!  I’m serious!  Back up one floor.  TEAR around to the counter (reinjuring my hamstring ) . I am gripped by White panic.  Terror.  I’m barely breathing. I go flying up to the same lady…..

”They won’t take my bag They won’t take my bag!!!”

“Oh, I’m sorry.  Too late.”

 “Well let me just leave it in a locker!”

  “No lockers since 9/11”. 

“AH!!!! WELL, I’M JUST GOING TO LEAVE IT RIGHT HERE! RIGHT HERE FOR 300 LUCKY AIRPORT EMPLOYEES AND TRAVELERS TO EAT!!  FREE FOOD EVERYBODY!! Roasted Nuts! Come get your hot roasted nuts !”

Out of the chaos comes the soothing voice of Debby G.   “I can get you on a later flight that would get you there only 1 hour later.” 

The clouds parted, the sun shone, are birds singing in here?… 

So finally, there I sit.  Me in coach and my pesky little nuts safely tucked in the belly of the plane , flying peacefully over the land. 

… and we land safely

Sinking back into the taxi ride, almost to the hotel - Gasp!

No breath.  No suitcase.  Seriously!! Circling all alone at baggage claim… the rotten bag filled with evil nuts!

With swirling head, hunger, disbelief, I just wanted to give up.  But I had come all this way and gone to all this trouble to get these friggin’ snack attack packs to 300 unsuspecting women who probably don’t even like nuts anyway!  But I couldn’t give up now. I HAD to make one last effort.

So, $70 more dollars to the taxi driver, 5 hours, 3 escalators, and 1 pulled hamstring later, I got my Nuts to Saginaw.

It wasn’t such a dumb idea after all. The Snack Attack Packs were a hit and a roomful of blissfully unaware attendees agreed they will never travel without them again. 

Which is how I USED to feel.

You know there are several morals to this story: time management, don’t take on more than you can handle, blah blah blah, but the biggest one is:

PUT THE DANGED THINGS IN YOUR PURSE!!!

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